Friday, December 28, 2007

like a fire burning

"I, the highest and fiery power, have kindled every living spark and I have breathed out nothing that can die... I flame above the beauties of the fields; I shine in the waters, in the sun, the moon, and the stars, I burn, and by means of the airy wind, I stir everything into quickness with a certain invisible life which sustains all... I, the fiery power, lie hidden in these things as they blaze from me." - Hildegard of Bingen.

I first felt it when I was 23. I was a missionary who hadn't yet 'felt the spirit' when in the middle of a private prayer I felt like my heart had just lit up like a light bulb, a physical, almost disturbing sensation of space and illumination within the cavity of my ribcage. So tangible I stopped praying and opened my eyes... did I have heart-burn? was I having a heart-attack? no... just lightness. burning. cooling. And after that it would turn on at various times, in church, during discussions, while reading the scriptures, sometimes for no reason I could really tell.

Now, ten years later, after a devastating crisis of faith... It is still there. Not so predictable, more elusive. But there. Even sometimes in church, though I don't go very often anymore because when I do it is usually tedious at best, exhaustingly painful at worst. So odd that this icy cool light would blink on when I am enduring a talk full of statements that I no longer believe... but it happens (including a tiny flash in a sacrament meeting in mexico where I couldn't understand a word).
So too I felt it when conflicted with feelings and desire to pray to the Heavenly Mother... 'Oh please, dear Father, please let this be right..." and my veins tingled with warmth like my heart had transmuted all my blood into some luminous substance. I felt it briefly when I visited a quaker meeting, as well as almost every time I take the chance to get away by myself for a hike.

All my definitions have shifted, my beliefs on the nature of God, the godhead, The Holy Spirit, all of it. I no longer know exactly how to explain this feeling I get. That nasty antichrist Korihor accuses religious people of having a frenzied minds, deranged, minds and I do wonder sometimes if I haven't just manufactured these sensations. But I really don't believe that. I want to believe in something bigger and greater and all encompassing. I just no longer know exactly what that is.


mr. pink's mom said...

this is really beautiful. (the art too)

i don't know if I could describe me dealings with the spirit with such detail. i envy that.

i would hope that you could hold on to those memories and live your life in a way that you will continue have those experiences.

last sunday in yw's, i told the girls "even if you don't believe in all of this (pointing the the church around us) and you don't believe in these men (pointing the the first pres) God will still love you. God doesn't just love the good girls who belong to the church, he loves the girls who make mistakes but are doing the best they can just as much

you, my friend, are one of those girls your heavenly father and mother love.

go on, have a good day. do your best and keep "seeking the truth"

"Peace to the people who be losin' their head
Peace to the people who be needin' a bed
Love to the people who be feelin' alone
Spreadin' love upon the microphone
Hope to the people to be feelin' down
Smile to the people who be wearin' a frown
Faith to the people who be seekin' the truth y'all
All of the time, and i say

G said...

wow mfranti (mr pinks mom)... thankyou. that means alot to me.

(was that a little michael franti rhyming truth and justice?)

mr. pink's mom said...

yeah, i left out the credits and the last part of the song...

sometimes, I feel like I can do anything...

Bored in Vernal said...

Love this post, your art, and your blog. I can't wait to poke around it some more. I'm fascinated by those with depth and ambiguity in their spiritual thinking. I know, I know, it makes for some tortuous Sundays. But we need the "Van Gogh Mormons!"

G said...

thanks for stopping by, BIV!
'Van Gogh Mormon'
I like that... yeah, that will do (though I will try to from cutting off any body parts!)