Saturday, December 29, 2007

dreams, fear, and church court

I had this dream last night, the part I remember most was happening right as I was waking up and it scared the shit out of me. In the dream was a letter from the bishop inviting me to have dinner with his family before my church court hearing (apparently I was going to be disfellowshipped). Weird, huh?

This is not the first time I have dreamed of being called to a church court. I tell myself it is stupid to think such thoughts, but the fact that my subconscious keeps kicking it out means that I have obviously not reconciled myself to this fear. It seriously freaks me out. I personally know some of the guys who would be on the 'jury' (is that the right term?) and keep getting flashes of what it would look like to have to sit in front of them and defend myself... and for what?!? G, do you seriously think you will be called in for loosing your testimony that Gordon B. Hinkley is a prophet just like Moses? Do you seriously think that you will be called in if you confess that you sometimes pray to the Heavenly Mother (or, more recently, just send out thoughts to the great big whatever that is out there)? Perhaps more realistic is the fear that it will be found out that I no longer keep the word of wisdom. That is probably a real concern.

whatever, I really wish I could get over this fear I have towards the organization, of being 'kicked out,' of being judged, of being condemned.

I really do think I am getting there, I rarely think about these sort of things during the day the way I used to when I first started questioning. But then along comes this dream...

Oh well


Lessie said...

Funny, I used to hope that I would get kicked out so that I didn't have to claim full responsibility for my inactivity. I thought that maybe if I were kicked out, my Mom and sister would be more forgiving than if I left completely of my own free volition. Oh well, when I told my bishop my issues, he just brought me a Family Proclamation copy and told me to pray about it. Sigh.

G said...

for me I think it comes back to being terrified of rejection, of being told I am not good enough.
it is sort of like if I had a job, I would much rather quit than be fired.

I am not sure, but I think my folks would have a harder time with it if I was disfellowshipped, than if I just left.

but maybe not... I do have several members of my extended family, some who have left, some who have been disfellowshipped... and actually you may be right, there may be more of a stigma attached to those who left of their own choice.