Sometimes it hurts so much.
So suddenly, like a barometer dropping wildly before a storm, I can crash so hard and fast.
Depression is a commonality among me and my sisters. Perhaps genetic (but apparently only dominant in the female offspring?) Perhaps just residual junk from our upbringing. Who knows. But it is there.
Not in childhood, only manifesting itself in adolescence in the form of eating disorders… but it seems to not hit its mature strength until adulthood, specifically, marriage and childrearing.
I can’t tell my sisters stories, just to say that I know they suffer their own variations of it, and fight it in their own ways.
For a brief time (just after my mission) I tried medication, but didn’t like it. And soon stopped taking it. I always felt I could manage it naturally, getting exercise, good sleep, drinking enough water, eating healthy, using herbal supplements, etc… and those things do help.
The horrifying thing for me is the fact that my strongest, most devastating trigger is my son. After four years, I still struggle to cope with this. I wrote a little about this at fMh, and one of the responses was “go to the doctor and get some medicine! It really can help!!.” I responded to that comment with something along the lines of “for me it has been as simple as getting daycare.” I was unsatisfied with my comment even as I posted it, but really couldn’t think of what else to say. To an extent, what I said is true; as long as I can be away from max for at least several hours, I do better. But I am not always able to ‘give him away’ to someone else, and as a dangerous pattern of suicidal thoughts has been growing I wonder if it is not time to go to the doctor and get some medicine. It can’t be natural for a person to contemplate some of the horrible things I do, merely because they had to be with a toddler all day.
Sometimes I wonder if this is exacerbated by my crisis of faith.
Sometimes I wonder if this is God punishing me for my doubt.
Mostly, I just want to find a way to be a good mom, and stop thinking about sharp objects.