Oh God…
Sometimes it hurts so much.
So suddenly, like a barometer dropping wildly before a storm, I can crash so hard and fast.
Depression is a commonality among me and my sisters. Perhaps genetic (but apparently only dominant in the female offspring?) Perhaps just residual junk from our upbringing. Who knows. But it is there.
Not in childhood, only manifesting itself in adolescence in the form of eating disorders… but it seems to not hit its mature strength until adulthood, specifically, marriage and childrearing.
I can’t tell my sisters stories, just to say that I know they suffer their own variations of it, and fight it in their own ways.
For a brief time (just after my mission) I tried medication, but didn’t like it. And soon stopped taking it. I always felt I could manage it naturally, getting exercise, good sleep, drinking enough water, eating healthy, using herbal supplements, etc… and those things do help.
The horrifying thing for me is the fact that my strongest, most devastating trigger is my son. After four years, I still struggle to cope with this. I wrote a little about this at fMh, and one of the responses was “go to the doctor and get some medicine! It really can help!!.” I responded to that comment with something along the lines of “for me it has been as simple as getting daycare.” I was unsatisfied with my comment even as I posted it, but really couldn’t think of what else to say. To an extent, what I said is true; as long as I can be away from max for at least several hours, I do better. But I am not always able to ‘give him away’ to someone else, and as a dangerous pattern of suicidal thoughts has been growing I wonder if it is not time to go to the doctor and get some medicine. It can’t be natural for a person to contemplate some of the horrible things I do, merely because they had to be with a toddler all day.
Sometimes I wonder if this is exacerbated by my crisis of faith.
Sometimes I wonder if this is God punishing me for my doubt.
Mostly, I just want to find a way to be a good mom, and stop thinking about sharp objects.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
Hi g, I'm sorry things are so bad right now. I don't know what to say. I can relate in a small way. A lot of my depression stemmed from regret at the fact that I could have waited to have kids if I'd known how to think for myself. A lot of it stemmed from my marital relationship at the time of Theron's birth, too. Sometimes the depression stems from my sense of inadequacy as well--knowing that sometimes I resent my kids and the responsibilities they entail and knowing what a horrible mother that makes me in spite of my best efforts to care for them.
I don't know if this will help with the affinity for sharp objects or not, but suicide won't solve anything, especially in a Mormon context--theoretically you'll just be depressed on the other side as well. That was sometimes what kept me from doing rash things--the thought that I would still be conscious of all these pressures. Counseling helped me the most. A place where I could go and admit to all these things and have someone totally non-judgmental to help me work through my feelings of pain, anger, inadequacy and fear. Maybe that would work for you, or maybe a combination of medicine and therapy would work for you. Just know that you don't have to feel like this all the time, there are ways to help yourself out of the cycle even though it may seem endless in the middle of it. I'm not saying I don't still get depressed, but not as severely as I used to. Anyway, e-mail me if you want to talk about it.
Post a Comment