Sunday, December 2, 2007

coming clean

I am rather obsessed with being spiritually clean. It was a big theme growing up in a strict LDS home, being good with God. I never felt good with God. God was the Father, and in the home my father would bring us individually into his office weekly for father-child ‘interviews’ to see how we were coming along. I don’t remember any cruelness or intent to hurt, and I don’t remember the specific list of questions we were asked. But to this day I have severe anxiety about disappointing my father. Disappointing God. And if you disappointed God, you couldn’t be with God. I have always desperately wanted to please God, and have usually felt like I was falling short. In the last few years my relationship to God has changed, or at least my feelings about my relationship to God has changed, no…I am not sure that is quite it either… I have changed a lot, spiritually speaking, and I am still coming to grips with it all. There has been a lot of fear, a lot of pain, a lot of seeking and only a little finding. I have lost who I was, but have not yet found who I am, and that is an uncomfortable place to be.
One of the reasons I decided to start this blog was in the hopes of it being a forum where I could talk out these issues, but I find myself unable to come up with the words. I am realizing that words are not my forte. I am better at the visual arts. So, I think I will try to break through the communication barrier with some of the artwork I have done during these transitional years. And as I am currently feeling rather blocked as an artist, perhaps this will also help me to rekindle the creative fire as well.

No comments: