Friday, April 18, 2008

I feel better now...

So, after several days of being very disturbed by the events of the interview, I finally decided to get if off my chest and write a letter to the Stake Pres.
Here is the content of the letter I sent yesterday:

Dear President X,

I am writing this on my own behalf because I was greatly disturbed by the interview my husband and I had with you the other evening. Even now, several days later it is still painful, and I hope that in expressing my feelings to you I can let it go.

The only frame of reference I have to explain why we were asked to come in a meet with you so late on Tuesday evening was that DH was going to be asked to serve in the Elder’s Quorum (or something like that). Therefore the abrupt manner in which the interview was concluded (with no explanation as to it’s original purpose) after you found that I did not have a temple recommend was extremely hurtful to me. At best I am willing to believe that you were taken back at the fact that I did not have a temple recommend and after a long day you just didn’t have energy to deal with the situation tactfully. At worst, I have wondered if the interview wasn’t intentionally constructed as manipulative attempt to shame me by dismissing my husband on my account. It seemed that without any further information you judged my husband’s ability, testimony, sincerity and desire to serve. And that without any further information you judged my ability to support my husband in serving the church.

I understand the need to keep up appearances, so I am not surprised that a man married to a wife who displays concerns with aspects of the church would not be chosen for leadership positions. Likewise, I understand the perception that such a wife might have a negative effect upon her husband’s ability to serve. So on the one hand I am left to wonder why we were even invited in (unless you were ignorant as to my state) and on the other hand I am furious that such a judgment would be made with so little knowledge of the situation.

I am sure that many elders were in consideration, all qualified and able, and that the spirit guides the ultimate decision. What left such a bitter taste in my mouth as the interview was concluded was the strong sense that my husband was being dismissed for no other reason than that he is married to a ‘flawed’ wife.

Well, there you go. I just needed to get that off my chest.
Thank you for listening.


Whew. I must say, I feel much much better. A big weight lifted. Of course, we'll see what happens now. At best, he writes me back to say he is sorry my feelings were hurt, it was not his intention at all, it was a miss-understanding, or whatever... At worst, I get my ass hauled in for disciplinary action. And in between 'best' and 'worse' all manner of responses are possible, such as ignoring the letter altogether or reading the letter out-loud at the next Stake Conference as an example of someone who has lost the spirit and is easily offended.
We'll see.
But for the moment... life is happy again.


Anonymous said...

G, I've been following your blog for a while now and I must say, you are one balls to the wind kinda girl (had you balls to hang in the wind of course.)

Brava. You have a cheering section here in the Southland.

G said...

wow anonymous, that is quite the complement!

Lessie said...

I like it G. Good idea. You know we were discussing that other Yalom book, "A History of the Breast"? In it she says that perhaps one days we'll use "She's got breasts" like we do "he's got balls". You've got 'em chica. I hope it all works out for you.

G said...

LOL lessie!
I love it.
yep. I got BREASTS baby!
(even if they are only cup size A)

emily said...

I think it is VERY well written. Not whiny, not unfair... And I would really be surprised if it caused disciplinary action. I bet he'll read it with a grain of salt.

I'd be VERY disappointed if that letter DID cause more drama. Seems like we should all be above that.

Anyhoo. Nice work. I think we should always follow our hearts.

"Nana" said...

I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!!!! :) I know you don't like to cause ripples, but when you deem a situation worthy, you stand up to it with strength and eloquence! YOU GOT BOOBS BABY! If this doesn't work, the offer is still out to TP his house for you...Hehehe.

galen abel and max said...

LOL nana!

how 'bout "BUST"
as in "you've got some serious bust!"

(sorry... really liking the idea of having a fem equivalent to "you've got balls!". I'm gonna try these out in real life, see what happens.)

which do you think conveys the idea best?
"you've got breasts!"
"you've got boobs!"
"you've got bust!"
"you've got chest!"

Emily, thank you! I was worried when writing it, really trying to got for something not offensive or aggressive or whiny, but just an honest expression of why my feelings had been hurt. And I held on to it for over 24 hrs, re-reading it, editing it etc... deliberating whether or not to send it. I feel relatively confidant that he will read it with understanding.

and seriously, as soon as I had sent it I felt so much better. Up until then, every time I thought about that interview I had a sick hurt in my heart, and now it is gone . thank heavens.

BrotherLove said...

G, as an objective observer...that was a well-written letter. A slight lean towards too much emotion; but, it needed to have that conviction. If the interview was "intentionally constructed as a manipulative attempt...", then shame on him, and someone (you) needed to poke him in the eye. I assume your husband is supportive...even if a bit reluctantly so. Remember...changes need to person at a issue at a time at a time. Keep your eye on what is right. Continued good luck, success, and happiness.

G said...

thanks brother love
"A slight lean towards too much emotion"

ya... but not nearly as much as my first couple of drafts! :)

even now I keep going back and re-reading it, thinking I should have phrased a few parts differently. And hoping that, as emily put it, he will read it with a grain of salt.

I'm not easily offended, rarely ever get my feelings hurt. and, as my sis nana observed, I really don't like causing ripples.

Perhaps I should have just written the letter, then burned it. but it wasn't till I had sent it off that the issue ceased to be a painful to me.

mostly just hoping that it doesn't hurt his feelings in turn. (that would be worse for me than disciplinary action.)

bones said...

G: I'm so glad you're feeling better. I thought the letter was not in the least offensive and came off as simply what you needed to get off your chest. BTW, I like the way "you've got bust" sounds best!

Lessie said...

My vote goes with "you've got bust" or "you've got boobs". I'm really excited about this as well. Who knows ladies, we may start something here! I hope Ms. Yalom doesn't mind us using her phrase.

Chelle said...

Wow, great letter, very mature and respectful, but getting across your feelings.

Love the "you've got boobs" thing, I am totally going to use that.

G said...

thanks chelle!

btw, on the bust/boobs thing... I was thinking "you've got some serious ovaries" might also work

(chandelle) said...

you are so amazingly brave!

"Nana" said...

Ish likes Bust the best, I mean he's usually a butt man, but when that wasn't an option he said bust.

mr. pink's mom said...

you've got bosom?
see? i told you i don't have much to offer.

and by the way, you were right to send a letter. i was going to tell you in your other post that you have every right to confront/discuss your concerns with the SP.

i wish more folks would stand up to local leaders when they feel they have been wronged.

Anonymous said...

He sits in your room, his tomb, with a fist full of tacks
Preoccupied with his vengeance
Cursing the dead that can't answer him back
I'm sure that he has no intentions
Of looking your way, unless it's to say
That he needs you to test his inventions.

Can you please crawl out your window?
Use your arms and legs it won't ruin you
How can you say he will haunt you?
You can go back to him any time you want to.

He looks so truthful, is this how he feels
Trying to peel the moon and expose it
With his businesslike anger and his bloodhounds that kneel
If he needs a third eye he just grows it
He just needs you to talk or to hand him his chalk
Or pick it up after he throws it.

Can you please crawl out your window?
Use your arms and legs it won't ruin you
How can you say he will haunt you?
You can go back to him any time you want to.

Why does he look so righteous while your face is so changed
Are you frightened of the box you keep him in
While his genocide fools and his friends rearrange
Their religion of the little ten women
That backs up their views but your face is so bruised
Come on out the dark is beginning.

Can you please crawl out your window?
Use your arms and legs it won't ruin you
How can you say he will haunt you?
You can go back to him any time you want to.

Copyright © 1965; renewed 1993 Special Rider Music

Columbia Records

angryyoungwoman said...

Wow! I like it. It makes me wish that someone I need to write a letter to weren't dead (for many years). You got some oves.

G said...

awesome, anonymous! I'll have to see if my stake pres has any taste for bob dylan (or jimi hendrix? which came first? too lazy to check.) pretty intense lyrics. thanks for posting.

oy, ayw... yea, not sure what to say to that. closure comes tough after death I guess. you doin okay with it?

Boquinha said...

Good for you, G!! (See? I told you I'm behind on my blogging, emailing, etc.). I thought about "marking all as read" and starting fresh, but I might've missed this one. Glad I didn't. I'm very impressed.

And for the record, my Mom has always used the phrase, "You've got brass ovaries!!" :D

Anonymous said...

Check out our "you've got boobs" merchardise. it has been copyrighted last year: