Tuesday, April 15, 2008

my fault...

I am so bone tired at the moment. Now to add to that I am heart sick as well. This afternoon I received a call from the executive stake secretary letting me know that the Stake President wanted to see me and my husband tonight. I spent the rest of the day slightly on edge, my mind running circles. They just split our ward, and I knew they were looking for a new Elder's Quorum president and was sure they were considering my love. A tiny part of me wondered if it had something to do with me (like a surprise church court, or something along those lines) but I really didn't believe that. It was going to be a calling for my lover, and a time intensive calling at that and dang that was going to be annoying, and if they asked me to bear my testimony what would I say that would be honest and acceptable. The time came for the interview, us dressed in sunday clothes waiting in the foyer of the SP's office, me with a little knot in my gut.

It was very simple and quick.
A few smiles, a couple of 'get-to-know-you questions'.
Then he asked my love if he had a current temple recommend.
Then he asked me if I had a current temple recommend.
Was I working towards getting one?
"No. But I support my husband in his having one."
Then he bore his testimony about his grandmother, a humble women who had kept her temple covenants her whole life, and when she died, he knew that she had passed the test. (..."in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen")
And then he said they were still working out how things would be organized in the new ward, and thank you very much for coming in to see him.

No calling was extended.

Because of me.
My husband was dismissed because of me.
It felt like I had gotten him fired, or at least passed over for a promotion. That it was all my fault, my 'flaws' had cancelled out all of his good attributes.

I cried all the way home.
I am much more conflicted about this than I was about his having a time-intensive, higher-profile calling.

This may sound odd, slightly schizophrenic, after all my posts about my disaffection's. But, you see, I still attend church. With my husband who has a desire to participate and be active and serve. I no longer have a temple recommend, or hold any callings (except visiting teacher), but I still feel an affinity towards the saints and am trying to cultivate the few friendships I have in the ward.

Anyways... this hurt. My lover doesn't hold it against me at all (perhaps he is grateful), but that doesn't change the fact that it was my fault.


"Nana" said...

Oh Galen...I'm sorry you guys had a night like that. Being dismissed because of what you believe is hard, but doable, having someone you love be dismissed because of it has to truly suck. But you must know in the rational part of your being that they denied him for appearances sake, and you where true to yourself. The fact that he was telling you what was good for his Grandma should be good for you gives him very little incite personal testimony...or individuality. Your a women, you should feel the same as my Grandma. Why did he not bear a personal testimony to you about how he felt about his temple recommend?
Anyhow, I admire your courage to be you! Abel would be great at whatever he's called to do or is doing, so it is their loss.

Bored in Vernal said...

I'm so sorry about this, too. I second everything Nana said above. I know that some leaders do this type of thing and some don't. I feel angry and tired all at once. It sounds to me like you two are supportive and loving to each other no matter what, and I'm so glad to see that. Hugs.

G said...

thanks you guys...

my mind is too full to say more than that right now.

so, thanks.

bones said...

I just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you. I'm totally confused by this. Is it really just an appearance thing? I'm certain there have been EQ/RS Presidents with nonmember spouses? Maybe? Maybe not? So, is it different that you're a member with no temple recommend? I can't imagine how you must be feeling. I'm so sorry. My thoughts are with you today.

G said...

bones, I have been wondering that myself. and while I am not sure, I think it has to do with my having once been a temple recommend holder.

I am sure that is viewed much more seriously than someone who just never joined the church or was never very active.

See, the stake president knows I served a mission, and taught at the MTC, and I have held many callings within his stake previously- he probably knows my record.

while I can see that giving him cause to really wonder about me... I am hurt that without any further information it has apparently caused him to judge my husband's sincerity, testimony, and/or ability... and judge my support for my husband.

at least that is what I am guessing to be the case.

mr. pink's mom said...

i don't know what to think.

i was called as a laurel advisor when i didn't have a tr and wasn't working towards one and my lover isn't a member.

are you sure they were planning to extend a calling?

i'm unsettled about this. hmmmffff

G said...

no. I am not positive that he was being considered for a calling.

perhaps it is merely a coincidence in timing.

Back in december when I returned my temple recommend I wasn't sure what would happen next. Well, nothing happened. There hadn't been any contact from any of my leaders since then.
Perhaps this is just a first step in following up on that and it just happened to coincide with the search for a new EQ pres.

But the fact that Abel was one of the Elders called in on sunday to bear his testimony to the Stake Presidency (along with a group of other potential candidates) seemed to indicate that he was "in the running".

Honestly, I really really am not sure what to think, or what to expect next.

just trying to get beyond this raw feeling inside.

Lessie said...

Hey G, again, I'm sorry this happened. I hope that it wasn't like it looks, but like we were talking about earlier, I know that's how the stake where I grew up worked. If both members weren't active, tr carrying members, then no stake callings (our branch is another story--they don't have the resources to make that distinction).

emily said...

I love u and Abel loves u and... I guess I'm just wishing you peace.

G said...

thanks emily. that means a lot to me!

me said...

Just like they tried to teach us in Young Women's... our actions DO impact others.

Still, maybe it was an act of kindness to you for them not to call your love... If he were involved in such a demanding calling, he'd be less available to you, maybe they thought it would make you even more frustrated with the church.