I am so bone tired at the moment. Now to add to that I am heart sick as well. This afternoon I received a call from the executive stake secretary letting me know that the Stake President wanted to see me and my husband tonight. I spent the rest of the day slightly on edge, my mind running circles. They just split our ward, and I knew they were looking for a new Elder's Quorum president and was sure they were considering my love. A tiny part of me wondered if it had something to do with me (like a surprise church court, or something along those lines) but I really didn't believe that. It was going to be a calling for my lover, and a time intensive calling at that and dang that was going to be annoying, and if they asked me to bear my testimony what would I say that would be honest and acceptable. The time came for the interview, us dressed in sunday clothes waiting in the foyer of the SP's office, me with a little knot in my gut.
It was very simple and quick.
A few smiles, a couple of 'get-to-know-you questions'.
Then he asked my love if he had a current temple recommend.
Then he asked me if I had a current temple recommend.
Was I working towards getting one?
"No. But I support my husband in his having one."
Then he bore his testimony about his grandmother, a humble women who had kept her temple covenants her whole life, and when she died, he knew that she had passed the test. (..."in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen")
And then he said they were still working out how things would be organized in the new ward, and thank you very much for coming in to see him.
No calling was extended.
Because of me.
My husband was dismissed because of me.
It felt like I had gotten him fired, or at least passed over for a promotion. That it was all my fault, my 'flaws' had cancelled out all of his good attributes.
I cried all the way home.
I am much more conflicted about this than I was about his having a time-intensive, higher-profile calling.
This may sound odd, slightly schizophrenic, after all my posts about my disaffection's. But, you see, I still attend church. With my husband who has a desire to participate and be active and serve. I no longer have a temple recommend, or hold any callings (except visiting teacher), but I still feel an affinity towards the saints and am trying to cultivate the few friendships I have in the ward.
Anyways... this hurt. My lover doesn't hold it against me at all (perhaps he is grateful), but that doesn't change the fact that it was my fault.