Tuesday, March 18, 2008

midlife crisis.

So far, only one family member has made mention of my new little piece of jewelry. It easily hides under my hair, but by this time I am sure that they have all SEEN it... just aren't sure what to say about it. At least to me. I am pretty sure after we went home Sunday night G's new earring was probably a topic of discussion. (Would love to have been a fly on the wall to hear that conversation. Then again... maybe not.)

But my dear little bro, the one who just got home from his mission in Brazil, probably the believing sibling who I am most likely to confide, in whispered in my (newly pierced) ear, 'what's this? A midlife crisis?'. I just laughed, and replied 'Maybe'. Then tossed out that I was thinking of piercing my nose too. We both laughed, but we were also both measuring each other. Just a little bit. He, trying to measure what I really meant (and if I was serious about the nose). Me, trying to measure what I could tell him.

How I would love to talk openly to some of my family members about 'what is going on with G'... but I haven't. Not yet.
Whenever I think about how that conversation would go, I get overwhelmed with task of even finding where to begin. And overwhelmed with trying to find the words and sentences to use that they will understand, will not be automatically discard as "being deceived by the devil". (Does that sound funny? Don't laugh. That is exactly where a conversation about this would go with my father.) So I have shared none of my thoughts and struggles and changes in faith with them. Therefore, the idea of a midlife crisis is probably what makes the most sense to them.

Hello, I am a bit young for that. And besides, the crisis was last year when I felt like I was aging ten years each day and was thinking about all the different ways I could kill myself.

Right now I am doing quite fine, thank you very much. Feeling energized (well... most of the time) Feeling beautiful (okay, I still have my moments) Feeling good about where my life is going (yep, I really do). And feeling like taking more time to put on jewelry and makeup and do my hair... and yes, loving the new glitter in my ear, loving the idea of adorning my self a little more than I have in the past (up until just recently, I haven't been one to wear jewelry, earrings or anything. Now I frequently put on a bracelet, an extra ring, a necklace...)

hmmm... this is ironic, I am sitting here eating Dove chocolates, you know, the ones wrapped in foil that have a little message printed inside; and the two I just opened (and ate) say "Hey, why not?" and "Decorate your life."

Well, it's working so far.

Actually, when I think about it, it would be great if what I went through the past year or so could count as whatever midlife crisis I might be slated for. Nice to think I have that behind me.


emily said...

hey, g-- Though I never comment,I do read this.Thanks for the invite. I'm sorry you feel like this is a time of "double-life" living...I love your way of writing:Feels sincere, pure...Wish I could give you a "you're lovable" hug and let you know that some of us don't judge you.I'm glad you are feeling joy here and there. Joy is cool.
You are cool. Hang in there, creative goddess!

Lessie said...

Hey G, you're a brave soul. I've framed that conversation in my head a million times . . . and I still don't know exactly how to tell them how real and true these things have been to me. I think I may go do my own post now.

Chelle said...

I keep trying to feel my family out as well. I sometimes throw out little comments to my sister, just to see her reaction, or to see if she will take the bite, and I can finally have "the conversation" with her at least, and be done with it. But its like I'm joking or something, no one takes me seriously. That or they don't really want to know. So we all go on pretending...and I keep imagining having that conversation where I am discarded as being "deceived by the devil" too.

Maybe I should pierce something. :)

G said...

emily- thankyou. I feel that hug coming through the airwaves quiet nicely, bless your heart!

lessie- you wrote it quite well, good job!

chelle- yes, no one really is feeling up to asking, and I am not feeling up to breaking the ice... I am not sure if they just don't want to know, or are plain terrified to find out. maybe a little more of the latter.
I am finding that now is a really good time to just chat (about neutral things), to just hang out, to laugh together and try to build the relationships... so that when the time comes that I need to be completely open... well, I am hoping it will help.