Tuesday, February 2, 2010

332 days left (and trying not to be a bitch about it)

I'm on edge lately.
It started out as ambition; a challenging set of goals for this new year. Things to accomplish, things that stretch me. But I'm only on day 33 and mostly I just feel sharp and tense towards my husband and son, and distant from my friends as I try to squeeze it all in.

Perhaps I just haven't found the grove yet (the right balance, the right schedule).
Perhaps it's just a phase (even without ambitious goals I can be sharp and distant).

I keep thinking of 50's era advice to housewives
Also about that article that showed that women are more powerful but less happy than they once were.

But whatever.
I just had to write this down, get it off my mind. Don't have the energy to ponder deeply and come up with something profound.
Time to hit the books again (because for one of my goals I'm taking a few online courses in computer programing. Working through pseudocode and flowcharts right now.)


Holly said...

I know how you feel. I'm in one of those thoroughly vile, thoroughly necessary moods where you throw out the stale ginger snaps at the back of the cupboard and pull books you’ve never read and don’t really want to read off the shelf and stick them in a book to sell to a used bookstore. But it's all a substitute for getting rid of the things you really want to shed, but somehow can't become free of.

G said...

thank you holly~ I think you really hit the nail on the head about it all being a substitute for what we really should discard but can't.

I am getting myself hung up over the smallest things (Bit DH's head off the other day because he bought the wrong kind of applesauce...??!!)

Spinning my wheels, trying to do a lot, feeling like I am doing nothing, blaming it on everyone close to me (even the dog has been getting my wrath), walking around clenching my teeth and thinking bloody thoughts.

(I wish you well in getting through your own particular mood)

JohnR said...

I think I can empathize, though my frustration with the roles I feel I need to play and feelings of powerlessness are rooted in different dynamics. I think I'm climbing out of about a month plus spell.

I think part of the problem is that everything seems zero-sum to me. If I give time to family or work, it takes away from my creative efforts or any investment in myself. If I focus on the latter, I feel guilty because it impacts the former. I wish there were some way to balance it all.

G said...

johnR~ "to balance it all"
I keep thinking that I should be able to. That there HAS to be a way.
That if I was just a little bit more efficient...

(or smarter or more talented or needed less sleep... or... or... or...)

I also think I continually fall into the trap of putting the most time into things on my lists that are the most trivial. It drives me nuts, but I keep doing it.

k said...

I wish I had wise words, but all I can say is that I, too, become bitchy for similar reasons, when I feel that my life is out of balance. But the balance feels good when it materializes. I think you will find yours.

G said...

thank you k :)

Chandelle said...

Every time you write something it's like you're living in my head! I've been in a horrible spiraling phase for about a month now...can't seem to pull myself out. I want to throw away everything I own and hit the road. That's my impulse. Can't do it.

Brooke said...

I'm there. My classes started last week and they are swallowing me. I find myself resenting the moment I have to stop working on school to pick up my kids because I didn't get enough done.

G said...

chandelle~ lol. and yes (re: getting rid of everything and hitting the road). Hope the spiral starts circling back up here soon.

brooke~ me too >.< And then I get guilt for being a bad mom, and that makes it worse :(