I got her blue eyes. The only one of eight children to get them. I am also the oldest. Previously I have always had a close relationship with my mother. Not big talkers, either one of us, with personalities leaning toward the spiritual, I was her good child, the one she could lean on, count on when all my other siblings ran got off course and didn't "choosing the right".
Now, with most my other siblings safely in the fold of the church (presumably having 'gotten it all out' in their young and rebellious years) it is my turn to tear her heart out. And to do it so cruelly.
Everything about me now is a rejection of her beliefs and values: her faith, her politics, her lifelong calling as stay-at-home-mother...
You know... I think my losing faith in the church, and swinging left in my politics are hard for her, but not unbearable.
But I think that my only having one child is killing her; proof that I do not think she was a good mother.
"Was there something in the way I was as a mother that makes you not want to be a mom?"
She asked me that today, in the moment as we were saying our goodbyes. I was unprepared for it, didn't know how to respond, we were in the process of going to our cars, going our separate ways... "Was there something in the way I was as a mother..."
My choices becomes her proof that she was lacking as a mother.
I'll have to write more about this later. Not now.