Tuesday, April 6, 2010

$$$ (or, career-fail insecurity)

one cause of significant insecurity and occasional bouts of panic/frustration/sense-of-failure: i attach huge emotional value to the dollar worth of 'what I do'.

and 'what I do' has no practical dollar value (ie, brings no money to our coffers).

i feel it like a chain, my little creative 'hobbies' that i, as a pampered housewife, indulge in. (god that almost made me sick to write it. but that is how it feels sometimes)

for added weight of guilt/failure; the fact that other people, DO get practical dollar value for those same indulgent creative 'hobbies'.

(NOT GOOD ENOUGH NOT GOOD ENOUGH NOT GOOD ENOUGH NOT GOOD ENOUGH NOT GOOD ENOUGH NOT GOOD ENOUGH.)

as a related segue... i sabotage all opportunities to get practical dollar value for my creative hobbies.

does this even make sense?
(pay this post no mind, it has merely been a bad day, requiring a rant and an outlet)
(i will most likely delete this. it's pretty humiliating.)

12 comments:

Nick Wheeler said...

I hope you don't delete this. I think this kind of honesty is important.

And hopefully soon I'll have some money for that commission we've been discussing. :)

G said...

thx nick :)

Moriah Jovan said...

We all have that, I think. What spurred me toward the money side was loathing my day job (self-employed, but I can still hate it). When you're seeing your art as you're only way out... That's not a good place to be.

G said...

thank you Moriah. ♡
"When you're seeing your art as you're only way out..."

yes, that.

also, when I wish my art was a form of validation above and beyond the personal satisfaction of having created something well.

also, I keep thinking I could be satisfied to have my art purely as a creative outlet if I didn't feel so damn useless in so many other aspects of life. (That is the rough day talking. I don't always feel useless. just sometimes.)

Wendy Wagner; said...

Totally with you on this! I'm one of those lucky "pampered housewives" (just work part-time) and sometimes loathe myself for letting John take up all the burden while I go galavanting around, enjoying making my art every day.

Some days are better than others. It didn't hurt anything when I actually sold something, either.

I just keep telling myself that it's all going to be worthwhile someday. And I've got a great crew of people to tell me it over & over & OVER. Luckily, most of them are in your pit crew, too!

*hugs*

G said...

thank you wendy :) (and {hugs} back).

EXACTLY, that is very much how I feel. And most days, it's okay. Just occasionally it sticks little knives in me.

(thanks guys, for your kind support)

Stella said...

I hear this, sort of, in a different way. I've never had the opportunity to have someone else take care of me in the way you describe, but I feel like I would feel similar to you (and yet, I also feel like I'd say 'it's about time' and stop stressing over bills etc!)

It's a fine line, this monetary business of taking care of oneself. I acutally gave up a secure and healthy paycheck to take a chance at a job that gives me more power and creativity to do what I am good at and not have to play into the long 8 hour day and politics of everything. It's turning out to be more lucrative than I imagined, and I also feel like my boss really 'takes care' of me in a way that I didn't expect--almost like a parent/daughter relationship. I've never had that. Even my parents weren't able to give me that. And why I know I'm "earning" the money I get, it doesn't feel like it all the time. This makes no sense, and only mildly relates to your post. But, I guess, having always had to take care of myself, sometimes it's nice to share the burden.

Also, I'm planning on purchasing a piece of your art as soon as I buy my loft in SLC this year or next.

C. L. Hanson said...

I have the same problem only in reverse: after spending too much time and mental/emotional energy on writing/blogging/drawing, I felt like my career was starting to suffer. So I re-oriented, and put a huge amount of effort back into my career. Now my career is essentially back on track, but -- surprise, surprise! -- I no longer have time or inspiration to work on creative projects. (Additionally, I've also finally started making real progress on learning German, and, of course, that represents a huge time investment as well...)

jana said...

Your picture of the Pieta with the female Jesus was passed around at the Sophia Gathering and numerous attendees wanted to buy a copy (it fit in so nicely with Margaret Toscano's talk about women on underworld journeys like that of Jesus'). Perhaps we could post a thumnail + the etsy link in The Exp sidebar?

G said...

jana.. omg, REALLY??
(k, will stop being lazy about getting that put on etsy. thx. will be in touch)

(wow)

Brooke said...

I can attest to the truth of Jana's statement. If it weren't free for me to look at your stuff on flickr whenever I want to, I can guarantee I would buy a subscription to it. :)

k said...

I love how you have bravely left this post up in an act of honesty and self-awareness. I am very much looking forward to getting my print of the Mother w/ Wounded Daughter. It is so meaningful to me. Your art influences my life, and sometimes gives words to what I cannot express.