Tuesday, April 6, 2010

$$$ (or, career-fail insecurity)

one cause of significant insecurity and occasional bouts of panic/frustration/sense-of-failure: i attach huge emotional value to the dollar worth of 'what I do'.

and 'what I do' has no practical dollar value (ie, brings no money to our coffers).

i feel it like a chain, my little creative 'hobbies' that i, as a pampered housewife, indulge in. (god that almost made me sick to write it. but that is how it feels sometimes)

for added weight of guilt/failure; the fact that other people, DO get practical dollar value for those same indulgent creative 'hobbies'.


as a related segue... i sabotage all opportunities to get practical dollar value for my creative hobbies.

does this even make sense?
(pay this post no mind, it has merely been a bad day, requiring a rant and an outlet)
(i will most likely delete this. it's pretty humiliating.)


Nick Wheeler said...

I hope you don't delete this. I think this kind of honesty is important.

And hopefully soon I'll have some money for that commission we've been discussing. :)

G said...

thx nick :)

Moriah Jovan said...

We all have that, I think. What spurred me toward the money side was loathing my day job (self-employed, but I can still hate it). When you're seeing your art as you're only way out... That's not a good place to be.

G said...

thank you Moriah. ♡
"When you're seeing your art as you're only way out..."

yes, that.

also, when I wish my art was a form of validation above and beyond the personal satisfaction of having created something well.

also, I keep thinking I could be satisfied to have my art purely as a creative outlet if I didn't feel so damn useless in so many other aspects of life. (That is the rough day talking. I don't always feel useless. just sometimes.)

Wendy Wagner; said...

Totally with you on this! I'm one of those lucky "pampered housewives" (just work part-time) and sometimes loathe myself for letting John take up all the burden while I go galavanting around, enjoying making my art every day.

Some days are better than others. It didn't hurt anything when I actually sold something, either.

I just keep telling myself that it's all going to be worthwhile someday. And I've got a great crew of people to tell me it over & over & OVER. Luckily, most of them are in your pit crew, too!


G said...

thank you wendy :) (and {hugs} back).

EXACTLY, that is very much how I feel. And most days, it's okay. Just occasionally it sticks little knives in me.

(thanks guys, for your kind support)

Stella said...

I hear this, sort of, in a different way. I've never had the opportunity to have someone else take care of me in the way you describe, but I feel like I would feel similar to you (and yet, I also feel like I'd say 'it's about time' and stop stressing over bills etc!)

It's a fine line, this monetary business of taking care of oneself. I acutally gave up a secure and healthy paycheck to take a chance at a job that gives me more power and creativity to do what I am good at and not have to play into the long 8 hour day and politics of everything. It's turning out to be more lucrative than I imagined, and I also feel like my boss really 'takes care' of me in a way that I didn't expect--almost like a parent/daughter relationship. I've never had that. Even my parents weren't able to give me that. And why I know I'm "earning" the money I get, it doesn't feel like it all the time. This makes no sense, and only mildly relates to your post. But, I guess, having always had to take care of myself, sometimes it's nice to share the burden.

Also, I'm planning on purchasing a piece of your art as soon as I buy my loft in SLC this year or next.

C. L. Hanson said...

I have the same problem only in reverse: after spending too much time and mental/emotional energy on writing/blogging/drawing, I felt like my career was starting to suffer. So I re-oriented, and put a huge amount of effort back into my career. Now my career is essentially back on track, but -- surprise, surprise! -- I no longer have time or inspiration to work on creative projects. (Additionally, I've also finally started making real progress on learning German, and, of course, that represents a huge time investment as well...)

jana said...

Your picture of the Pieta with the female Jesus was passed around at the Sophia Gathering and numerous attendees wanted to buy a copy (it fit in so nicely with Margaret Toscano's talk about women on underworld journeys like that of Jesus'). Perhaps we could post a thumnail + the etsy link in The Exp sidebar?

G said...

jana.. omg, REALLY??
(k, will stop being lazy about getting that put on etsy. thx. will be in touch)


Brooke said...

I can attest to the truth of Jana's statement. If it weren't free for me to look at your stuff on flickr whenever I want to, I can guarantee I would buy a subscription to it. :)

k said...

I love how you have bravely left this post up in an act of honesty and self-awareness. I am very much looking forward to getting my print of the Mother w/ Wounded Daughter. It is so meaningful to me. Your art influences my life, and sometimes gives words to what I cannot express.