I have been thinking lately that I should start attending church again with my husband.
I really do not want to go back to church.
But Sundays have become such an uncomfortable awkward day, so fractured, the pull between hubby attending and me and son staying at home...
Hubby was supportive when I stopped going. But I wasn't sure what to do next. Was this just a temporary break? Would I find a new church home?
Well I never felt comfortable finding a new church home.
So what now?
If I go back, it will be to support my husband, support our family.
If I go back, I want to be open about who I am.
But who really wants that:
I don't wear garments, I don't keep the word of wisdom, I don't believe anything in any of the manuals, my view of the scriptures and God and life is wildly different from the sanctioned one taught over the pulpit. I think the church hierarchy and the lineage of priesthood authority and the necessary ordinances for salvation (etc etc) are a lot of bullshit. Oh yeah, and I swear too.
So if I go back... it will be to sit and grind my teeth for three hours. (Like I was doing before.)
Or maybe it won't be. Who knows? Maybe it will be different this time.
I plan on writing a little about this over at the exponent, the question of attending church even if you don't believe and don't live the gospel "according to Salt lake" and how one should do that (if one so chooses to do that). If you have any thoughts or ideas or suggestions, feel free to share.
God knows I could use them.
(This is horribly written but I'm going to publish anyways. hope it's not too hard to read.)