Tuesday, February 17, 2009

quiet...

This past month (or few) I have sat down multiple times to write posts about various and sundry thoughts or ideas and been unable to make them come together. Unable to say what I thought I was going to say. Not out loud anyways.

I'm finding renewed value in the privacy of my journal where I can hash things out raw and without concern for nuance (and without audience). I'm finding renewed value in getting back into the images of things. Really, words aren't my forte. I hit brick walls every time I try to put things into words. Don't get me wrong, I keep coming back to them. I LOVE words and reading and writing them. But I found that lately they are failing me. Or I'm failing them. Whichever.

And it also feels that I'm changing my mind, rapidly, about things I hadn't anticipated changing. It a private process, changing from what you were to, well, whatever it is that you will be next. There is an embarrassing element of inconsistency about it. It really dims the desire to make statements about it or to try to define it while "it" is still a mess of floating things not nailed down.

So, I'm finding a renewed value in just being quiet for a while (sort of a twist on 'if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all').

And wouldn't it be ironic if just by saying this it opens up the floodgates and I suddenly find all sorts of things to say?

10 comments:

JohnR said...

Feels weird to comment publicly on a post on private thinking. :)

I'm glad that you're working things out internally. You seem, in many ways, to be an intensely private person. This may be the medium in which you feel the freest?

G said...

heheh... yeah, weird. I know. :)

I go through phases where I am more private (quiet, introspective, whatever) than at other times.

both mediums (public/external and private/internal) have great value for me. I'm just finding it easier to try to 'work things out' internally at the moment.

D'Arcy said...

I hear you. I feel you. I like you.


Keep being you.

G said...

thanks d'arcy. that means a great deal to me. :)

angryyoungwoman said...

Quiet times can be valuable. I hope you are finding the answers you need. :)

Bored in Vernal said...

Yeah, I'm there with ya, hun. BUT I love hearing all the hashing out and the inconsistencies, so post on, if you feel like it. I will certainly read and listen!

Chandelle said...

Oh G...I feel you, lady. It is so hard sometimes to say what we want/need to say. And seriously, is there any consistency? In anything? Ever? Because I feel some things so intensely and yet cannot manage to stay on the same track for more than a few minutes at a time.

I envy you that words are not your primary outlet, however. They are for me and if I can't say something - and lately, I've had the same thing, sitting down to write and rarely finishing anything - I end up so blocked and frustrated. If only I could draw something that didn't look like something a caffeinated 3-year-old would make. :)

G said...

thanks, ayw, biv and chandelle. :)

and chandelle, I am also wishing right now that I could draw something that doesn't look like a caffeinated three yr old did it.
(seriously! my son is doing better work than me right now!)

xJane said...

eh, words only serve to confuse things—draw, sing, do whatever you need. And if you feel like posting it, you've an audience :)

flygirl said...

I tried to comment when you first wrote this and then my computer crapped out. But I've wondered how you were-I hope you are doing okay.

I know what you mean about not being able to say or write something. I don't think words are my strongest suite either (not that I'm agreeing with you about yours! I always really appreciate what you have to say). Also, sometimes I feel like writing something down gives more definition to something than I really feel, and I'm not always ready to define it. So whatever you're doing, I hope it's working for you. :)