Because, with the semester over, I can once again delve into page upon page of the written word, I am delighted with the unplanned coincidence of being 50 pgs deep into two books with tantalizingly overlapping themes.
Blink, by Malcolm Gladwell. A treatise on the spit second decision, intuition (though the author hates that word), and how we 'thin slice' information to get to our conclusions. (My own intuition tells me this book may try also try to double as a positive-thinking self-help book... but it has been very interesting so far)
and
Deep Survival, by Laurence Gonzales. A roller-coaster ride of of close calls, narrow escapes, miraculous turns of events, and sudden death in spite of the best circumstances. The subtitle is "Who lives, Who dies, and Why. (Deep down, I'm a wacky survivalist nut.) (This one may also turn self-help. We'll see. Personally, I've got nothing against self-help books... they just aren't what I usually seek out to read.)
ahhhhhh.... It's good to be back in the books.
(if either of these books warrants it, I'm sure I'll write more about them.)
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Sunday, May 25, 2008
sharing the scripture in primary...
It was my Little Buddy's turn to give the scripture in closing exercises today. I shifted all the responsiblity to my lover (feeling rather conflicted about it all), and he did a wonderful job.
He picked D&C 121: 41.
"No power of influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the power of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned."
and then he took some pictures of Little Buddy to illustrate the various virtues of influence:
persuasion....
long-suffering...
gentleness and meekness...
love unfeigned...
I think my lover did a very good job.
He picked D&C 121: 41.
"No power of influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the power of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned."
and then he took some pictures of Little Buddy to illustrate the various virtues of influence:
persuasion....
long-suffering...
gentleness and meekness...
love unfeigned...
I think my lover did a very good job.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
some more about my options...
(...continuing from this post)
Just a month or so ago I was going to write a post about how church had thankfully become quite tolerable after I gave myself permission to not believe what was said over the pulpit or in the class room. I had taken to bringing my journal to write in, or a book to read to get me through talks or lessons that would have otherwise driven me over the edge (church is a GREAT place to read Well Behaved Women Seldom Make History or History of the Wife).
This worked really well for a while. I thought I had reconciled myself to a different way of being in the church, but the relationship didn't last; lately this has been an exhausting isolated place to be where an enormous elephant follows me from sacrament to sunday school to relief society. Can't talk about it, can't acknowledge it, but it won't go away.
I used to cling to this statement by Chieko Okazaki:
"If you experience the pain of exclusion at church... Don't become inactive. You may think that you are voting with your feet, that you are making a statement by leaving. You are, but your absence may be welcomed and encouraged by those who don't understand or value you. They see your diversity as a problem to be fixed; as a flaw to be corrected or erased. If you are gone, they don't have to deal with you anymore. I want you to know that your diversity is a more valuable statement." (quoted by Brian Chapman in the march 2007 Sunstone)
But as a non-believer, staying in the church just to make others have to deal with me seems... wrong. I was especially impressed by this thought as I read Alya's post at fMh asking if she should join the church. She has a lot of very 'diverse' ideas that may make her uncomfortable in church culture (and make church culture uncomfortable with her)... but she believes the church is true, and that God wants her to be a part of it. That's a good reason to join the church, and stay in the church. Mostly I feel that the only reason I am sticking around is out of habit, and because I am afraid of what my family will say. And because I honestly don't know what I will do instead. Because of Fear.
I was touched by Natasha's post about the things that she (as an "unbeliever") does love about the church... but right now my short list of common beliefs I share with the church isn't enough, I am sitting through three hours of listening to stuff I don't believe, unable to participate at all. This is hard, because I have always been the one that loves to participate.
I've wondered if, like Deborah, I should take a sabbatical from the Church. Visit other religions, do some soul searching, just take a break from the mental gymnastics. Ha, easy for her to do... she wasn't married at the time. I will be deserting a husband and a son (who is slated to give the scripture in primary this sunday). I'm really not sure how we will actually do that. How will sundays look and what will we tell little buddy?
On the other hand, I could also move back into full participation, setting aside the cup of tea and glass of wine, putting on garments again, going into the bishop to start working towards getting a temple recommend again. There was two very thought provoking posts, one by Natasha, and another by Zeniada, on how they negotiate being active in their wards while being non-believers. By adhering to the requirements of the church they are able to have a voice in their wards, are able to participate and make a difference. For the first 30 years of my life, the church was a pivotal, central force. I was heavily involved in my various wards, starting in young womens frequently holding leadership and teaching callings. It's probably what makes my current situation of silent non-participation so hard. I always defined myself by my callings, my testimony, my activity. If the shell of that organization is taken away, what will fill it's void? But if I stay merely to retain the comfort of that familiarity, what will be the consequence?
To be a non-believer but still be able to participate, I'll have to do it like Natasha or Zeniada, where I 'live the gospel' by observing all of the obvious external indicators of the church. Law of tithing, word of wisdom, temple worthy. Will I remove my extra piercings? They are a big neon sign hanging over my head confirming the fact that "I don't believe". Likewise that box of green tea in the pantry is a glaring search light revealing me as a non-believer. Blowing my cover. (And incase the glare from that box of tea isn't strong enough... you should see what the six pack of local beer in my fridge is putting off).
In other words, I am doing this all wrong. And I am feeling the burden of the double life. What I am doing right now is schizophrenic. If I want to continue as I am, I should just move on and come out of the closet about it. Or else I should go back, 'repent', hide my disaffections and find a way to participate.
This worked really well for a while. I thought I had reconciled myself to a different way of being in the church, but the relationship didn't last; lately this has been an exhausting isolated place to be where an enormous elephant follows me from sacrament to sunday school to relief society. Can't talk about it, can't acknowledge it, but it won't go away.
I used to cling to this statement by Chieko Okazaki:
"If you experience the pain of exclusion at church... Don't become inactive. You may think that you are voting with your feet, that you are making a statement by leaving. You are, but your absence may be welcomed and encouraged by those who don't understand or value you. They see your diversity as a problem to be fixed; as a flaw to be corrected or erased. If you are gone, they don't have to deal with you anymore. I want you to know that your diversity is a more valuable statement." (quoted by Brian Chapman in the march 2007 Sunstone)
But as a non-believer, staying in the church just to make others have to deal with me seems... wrong. I was especially impressed by this thought as I read Alya's post at fMh asking if she should join the church. She has a lot of very 'diverse' ideas that may make her uncomfortable in church culture (and make church culture uncomfortable with her)... but she believes the church is true, and that God wants her to be a part of it. That's a good reason to join the church, and stay in the church. Mostly I feel that the only reason I am sticking around is out of habit, and because I am afraid of what my family will say. And because I honestly don't know what I will do instead. Because of Fear.
I was touched by Natasha's post about the things that she (as an "unbeliever") does love about the church... but right now my short list of common beliefs I share with the church isn't enough, I am sitting through three hours of listening to stuff I don't believe, unable to participate at all. This is hard, because I have always been the one that loves to participate.
I've wondered if, like Deborah, I should take a sabbatical from the Church. Visit other religions, do some soul searching, just take a break from the mental gymnastics. Ha, easy for her to do... she wasn't married at the time. I will be deserting a husband and a son (who is slated to give the scripture in primary this sunday). I'm really not sure how we will actually do that. How will sundays look and what will we tell little buddy?
On the other hand, I could also move back into full participation, setting aside the cup of tea and glass of wine, putting on garments again, going into the bishop to start working towards getting a temple recommend again. There was two very thought provoking posts, one by Natasha, and another by Zeniada, on how they negotiate being active in their wards while being non-believers. By adhering to the requirements of the church they are able to have a voice in their wards, are able to participate and make a difference. For the first 30 years of my life, the church was a pivotal, central force. I was heavily involved in my various wards, starting in young womens frequently holding leadership and teaching callings. It's probably what makes my current situation of silent non-participation so hard. I always defined myself by my callings, my testimony, my activity. If the shell of that organization is taken away, what will fill it's void? But if I stay merely to retain the comfort of that familiarity, what will be the consequence?
To be a non-believer but still be able to participate, I'll have to do it like Natasha or Zeniada, where I 'live the gospel' by observing all of the obvious external indicators of the church. Law of tithing, word of wisdom, temple worthy. Will I remove my extra piercings? They are a big neon sign hanging over my head confirming the fact that "I don't believe". Likewise that box of green tea in the pantry is a glaring search light revealing me as a non-believer. Blowing my cover. (And incase the glare from that box of tea isn't strong enough... you should see what the six pack of local beer in my fridge is putting off).
In other words, I am doing this all wrong. And I am feeling the burden of the double life. What I am doing right now is schizophrenic. If I want to continue as I am, I should just move on and come out of the closet about it. Or else I should go back, 'repent', hide my disaffections and find a way to participate.
*Sigh*... Easier said than done, for either option.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
running out of options...
I"ve come to what feels like a bit of a watershed point with the church. I didn't anticipate this, I really thought I could continue for some time in my current path. But I really don't think I can for much longer.
I can either peacefully leave the church, stop attending, and be open with friends and family about my no longer 'living the gospel'
or
I can move back into full participation in the church. Began wearing garments again, live the word of wisdom, 'confess' to the bishop and work towards getting temple recommend.
I need to write more about this, I know. I have explained nothing here to give anyone any indication of my personal reasons for and against each of those options, or the lack of any forms of 'middle road' options... but I'm going to post this now anyways, and come back to it later.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
fair is fair...
well, my little buddy couldn't help but notice that mommy didn't have any pictures with multiple eyes. So when I opened this one up to work on it, and he asked me, 'where are you eyes?' I put him on my lap and let him dictate where mommy needed extra eyes (yep, he specifically requested one on my nose).
Fair is fair...
here you go.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
MUWAHAHAHA!!!
my little darling boy... after I got done with him in photoshop! Next stop, I import him to Flash and animate the image; get the eyes blinking and rolling around, maybe a tongue licking his lips... we'll see!
(see here for the unaltered pic of my beautiful boy)
Friday, April 18, 2008
I feel better now...
So, after several days of being very disturbed by the events of the interview, I finally decided to get if off my chest and write a letter to the Stake Pres.
Here is the content of the letter I sent yesterday:
Dear President X,
I am writing this on my own behalf because I was greatly disturbed by the interview my husband and I had with you the other evening. Even now, several days later it is still painful, and I hope that in expressing my feelings to you I can let it go.
The only frame of reference I have to explain why we were asked to come in a meet with you so late on Tuesday evening was that DH was going to be asked to serve in the Elder’s Quorum (or something like that). Therefore the abrupt manner in which the interview was concluded (with no explanation as to it’s original purpose) after you found that I did not have a temple recommend was extremely hurtful to me. At best I am willing to believe that you were taken back at the fact that I did not have a temple recommend and after a long day you just didn’t have energy to deal with the situation tactfully. At worst, I have wondered if the interview wasn’t intentionally constructed as manipulative attempt to shame me by dismissing my husband on my account. It seemed that without any further information you judged my husband’s ability, testimony, sincerity and desire to serve. And that without any further information you judged my ability to support my husband in serving the church.
I understand the need to keep up appearances, so I am not surprised that a man married to a wife who displays concerns with aspects of the church would not be chosen for leadership positions. Likewise, I understand the perception that such a wife might have a negative effect upon her husband’s ability to serve. So on the one hand I am left to wonder why we were even invited in (unless you were ignorant as to my state) and on the other hand I am furious that such a judgment would be made with so little knowledge of the situation.
I am sure that many elders were in consideration, all qualified and able, and that the spirit guides the ultimate decision. What left such a bitter taste in my mouth as the interview was concluded was the strong sense that my husband was being dismissed for no other reason than that he is married to a ‘flawed’ wife.
Well, there you go. I just needed to get that off my chest.
Thank you for listening.
Sincerely
G.
Whew. I must say, I feel much much better. A big weight lifted. Of course, we'll see what happens now. At best, he writes me back to say he is sorry my feelings were hurt, it was not his intention at all, it was a miss-understanding, or whatever... At worst, I get my ass hauled in for disciplinary action. And in between 'best' and 'worse' all manner of responses are possible, such as ignoring the letter altogether or reading the letter out-loud at the next Stake Conference as an example of someone who has lost the spirit and is easily offended.
We'll see.
But for the moment... life is happy again.
Here is the content of the letter I sent yesterday:
Dear President X,
I am writing this on my own behalf because I was greatly disturbed by the interview my husband and I had with you the other evening. Even now, several days later it is still painful, and I hope that in expressing my feelings to you I can let it go.
The only frame of reference I have to explain why we were asked to come in a meet with you so late on Tuesday evening was that DH was going to be asked to serve in the Elder’s Quorum (or something like that). Therefore the abrupt manner in which the interview was concluded (with no explanation as to it’s original purpose) after you found that I did not have a temple recommend was extremely hurtful to me. At best I am willing to believe that you were taken back at the fact that I did not have a temple recommend and after a long day you just didn’t have energy to deal with the situation tactfully. At worst, I have wondered if the interview wasn’t intentionally constructed as manipulative attempt to shame me by dismissing my husband on my account. It seemed that without any further information you judged my husband’s ability, testimony, sincerity and desire to serve. And that without any further information you judged my ability to support my husband in serving the church.
I understand the need to keep up appearances, so I am not surprised that a man married to a wife who displays concerns with aspects of the church would not be chosen for leadership positions. Likewise, I understand the perception that such a wife might have a negative effect upon her husband’s ability to serve. So on the one hand I am left to wonder why we were even invited in (unless you were ignorant as to my state) and on the other hand I am furious that such a judgment would be made with so little knowledge of the situation.
I am sure that many elders were in consideration, all qualified and able, and that the spirit guides the ultimate decision. What left such a bitter taste in my mouth as the interview was concluded was the strong sense that my husband was being dismissed for no other reason than that he is married to a ‘flawed’ wife.
Well, there you go. I just needed to get that off my chest.
Thank you for listening.
Sincerely
G.
Whew. I must say, I feel much much better. A big weight lifted. Of course, we'll see what happens now. At best, he writes me back to say he is sorry my feelings were hurt, it was not his intention at all, it was a miss-understanding, or whatever... At worst, I get my ass hauled in for disciplinary action. And in between 'best' and 'worse' all manner of responses are possible, such as ignoring the letter altogether or reading the letter out-loud at the next Stake Conference as an example of someone who has lost the spirit and is easily offended.
We'll see.
But for the moment... life is happy again.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
cleaning the neglected room
Whew... it took having family come to visit, but I did it. Cleaned out the neglected room. So that there would be room for an inflatable mattress and clean flat surfaces to put luggage etc on. It actually shouldn't have taken nearly as long as it did, but in the clean process I began going through old art work, then began sorting it, throwing away the stuff that was absolute junk. On top of that I decided to photo-document all the stuff I was keeping that hadn't been recorded yet. So yes... I was supposed to be cleaning out the room, getting it ready to be a guest room, and instead spent almost a whole day making an even bigger mess. But it was good. Good to purge and clean and sort and revisit things I had forgotten. It was something that I had been needing to be do anyways and the room did eventually get cleaned (just in the nick of time!)
I haven't been in here to make any art work in several months now, currently I do most of my creative stuff with a camera or on the computer and that is okay for right now. I read somewhere an artist talking about her working process and she said something like "honor the down time". Well, this past year hasn't really felt like 'down time', it has felt very very busy with things other than being a studio artist. Housekeeping, childcare, reading books, blogging, learning digital designing software, etc... But I think it has been beneficial. I am feeling more artistically inspired lately and that is a good feeling.
just for kicks, a slide show of some of the paintings I have done over the past several years (one or two are 5+ years old, but most are within the past 3 years) that I just got around to taking pictures of. (Thanks to visiting family)
(WARNING- there is nudity scattered around in these paintings, as well as a few internal organs and perhaps a few little wounds. Viewer discretion advised. )
These can also be viewed on my flickr page along with more of my work.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
my fault...
I am so bone tired at the moment. Now to add to that I am heart sick as well. This afternoon I received a call from the executive stake secretary letting me know that the Stake President wanted to see me and my husband tonight. I spent the rest of the day slightly on edge, my mind running circles. They just split our ward, and I knew they were looking for a new Elder's Quorum president and was sure they were considering my love. A tiny part of me wondered if it had something to do with me (like a surprise church court, or something along those lines) but I really didn't believe that. It was going to be a calling for my lover, and a time intensive calling at that and dang that was going to be annoying, and if they asked me to bear my testimony what would I say that would be honest and acceptable. The time came for the interview, us dressed in sunday clothes waiting in the foyer of the SP's office, me with a little knot in my gut.
It was very simple and quick.
A few smiles, a couple of 'get-to-know-you questions'.
Then he asked my love if he had a current temple recommend.
"Yes."
Then he asked me if I had a current temple recommend.
"No."
Was I working towards getting one?
"No. But I support my husband in his having one."
Then he bore his testimony about his grandmother, a humble women who had kept her temple covenants her whole life, and when she died, he knew that she had passed the test. (..."in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen")
And then he said they were still working out how things would be organized in the new ward, and thank you very much for coming in to see him.
No calling was extended.
Because of me.
My husband was dismissed because of me.
It felt like I had gotten him fired, or at least passed over for a promotion. That it was all my fault, my 'flaws' had cancelled out all of his good attributes.
I cried all the way home.
I am much more conflicted about this than I was about his having a time-intensive, higher-profile calling.
This may sound odd, slightly schizophrenic, after all my posts about my disaffection's. But, you see, I still attend church. With my husband who has a desire to participate and be active and serve. I no longer have a temple recommend, or hold any callings (except visiting teacher), but I still feel an affinity towards the saints and am trying to cultivate the few friendships I have in the ward.
Anyways... this hurt. My lover doesn't hold it against me at all (perhaps he is grateful), but that doesn't change the fact that it was my fault.
It was very simple and quick.
A few smiles, a couple of 'get-to-know-you questions'.
Then he asked my love if he had a current temple recommend.
"Yes."
Then he asked me if I had a current temple recommend.
"No."
Was I working towards getting one?
"No. But I support my husband in his having one."
Then he bore his testimony about his grandmother, a humble women who had kept her temple covenants her whole life, and when she died, he knew that she had passed the test. (..."in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen")
And then he said they were still working out how things would be organized in the new ward, and thank you very much for coming in to see him.
No calling was extended.
Because of me.
My husband was dismissed because of me.
It felt like I had gotten him fired, or at least passed over for a promotion. That it was all my fault, my 'flaws' had cancelled out all of his good attributes.
I cried all the way home.
I am much more conflicted about this than I was about his having a time-intensive, higher-profile calling.
This may sound odd, slightly schizophrenic, after all my posts about my disaffection's. But, you see, I still attend church. With my husband who has a desire to participate and be active and serve. I no longer have a temple recommend, or hold any callings (except visiting teacher), but I still feel an affinity towards the saints and am trying to cultivate the few friendships I have in the ward.
Anyways... this hurt. My lover doesn't hold it against me at all (perhaps he is grateful), but that doesn't change the fact that it was my fault.
Monday, April 7, 2008
anti-mormon
Several years ago, when we were newlyweds, my lover and I attended a conference session at the newly built Conference Center. I took these pictures while we stood in line, waiting to get in.
Anti-mormon evangelical protesters outside the Conference Center. Waving bibles, shouting through bull horns, holding sign-boards that displayed, at best, aggressively condemnatory biblical verses, at worse, tacky hand-painted images of early church leaders burning in hell. And waving garments. They had fistfuls of old garments and they were waving them in the faces of the people lined up to attend conference.
Honestly, I am not sure why I took these pictures. I happened to have my camera on me and felt compelled to record the events of that day. We were their captive audience, maybe I was just making the most of it by making them my captive subjects. Frequently I have pulled out these pictures, looking at the faces, trying to re-read the signs and trying to remember the things that happened in between the instant of the photo; exactly what this person or that was saying, if any members were engaging with the protesters, the various different ways both members and protesters had of dealing with the charged close proximity.
I find myself almost as fascinated with these protesters as I am repelled by them. Even as one who no longer believes much in the claims of the church I find the accusations of anti-mormon Christians ludicrous and hypocritical. Do they really think that their clapboards and their shouting are going to bring someone to Jesus? I mean seriously, has any market research been done to determine the efficacy of these types of protests in de-converting someone from Mormonism to "Christianity"?
Mentally, I try to find where these anti-mormon protesters fit in amongst other various groups who protest other various government and corporate actions. Is there any similarity between a person protesting the American presence in Iraq and a person waving special underwear at a group of religious people?
anyways... just some of my thoughts coming out of this weekend's general conference. Wonder if it was any of the same people and signs cropped up this year.
Anti-mormon evangelical protesters outside the Conference Center. Waving bibles, shouting through bull horns, holding sign-boards that displayed, at best, aggressively condemnatory biblical verses, at worse, tacky hand-painted images of early church leaders burning in hell. And waving garments. They had fistfuls of old garments and they were waving them in the faces of the people lined up to attend conference.
Honestly, I am not sure why I took these pictures. I happened to have my camera on me and felt compelled to record the events of that day. We were their captive audience, maybe I was just making the most of it by making them my captive subjects. Frequently I have pulled out these pictures, looking at the faces, trying to re-read the signs and trying to remember the things that happened in between the instant of the photo; exactly what this person or that was saying, if any members were engaging with the protesters, the various different ways both members and protesters had of dealing with the charged close proximity.
I find myself almost as fascinated with these protesters as I am repelled by them. Even as one who no longer believes much in the claims of the church I find the accusations of anti-mormon Christians ludicrous and hypocritical. Do they really think that their clapboards and their shouting are going to bring someone to Jesus? I mean seriously, has any market research been done to determine the efficacy of these types of protests in de-converting someone from Mormonism to "Christianity"?
Mentally, I try to find where these anti-mormon protesters fit in amongst other various groups who protest other various government and corporate actions. Is there any similarity between a person protesting the American presence in Iraq and a person waving special underwear at a group of religious people?
anyways... just some of my thoughts coming out of this weekend's general conference. Wonder if it was any of the same people and signs cropped up this year.
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