a little compare and contrast (after the election)

Because I value debate "between good ideas from both sides about real problems in the real country" and find it reprehensible and ignorant to moan about Blacks,  Hispanics and Women voting differently than you.



vs 



Also... I am so in love with Rachel Maddow.

silence

A national moment of silence this morning.

I was in my car driving, but was able to pull over onto a side street, park the car and just breath for a moment. In solidarity with thousands of others across the nation.

I was driving because I was coming from breakfast with my mother. She and I are on opposite sides of the political spectrum. One of the things we talked about during breakfast was whether or not to talk about certain differences of opinion. I happen to value the ability to be silent on certain subjects during family gatherings.

On Sunday I went and sat in silence with the local Friends meeting. It was a very healing thing to do.

I haven't wanted to open social media the past few days. An desire to avoid... I'm not sure what I want to avoid... but I am avoiding, that's for sure. (Ironically, I have made brief updates myself; so I haven't been silent; I have just wanted to avoid seeing/hearing/reading.)

Anyhow, just a few things I wanted to write down this morning.
(Part of breaking my own silence.)

fear

One of my biggest fears is that I will turn up pregnant.

I have an IUD which has been faithfully turning the tide of semen for 5 years and mostly it goes about it's work with me even forgetting it's there. But occassionaly, I'll feel different, a slight weight change, a change in my eating patterns, something... and I'll panic.
OMG I'm pregnant, am I pregnant? What will I do.........??
(My sister-in-law got pregnant while using the same IUD I am using. It's not a 100% guarantee.)
Therefore, I keep a stash of pregnancy tests so I can discover that no, I am not pregnant and I breath easy again.

My IUD expires this month. When we switched insurance plans the saleman assured us that BC costs for an IUD would be nothing more than the copay for an office visit. He was wrong. We are looking at a charge 15 times the amount we thought it would be. And so, we are also looking at other options.

The health care bill passed yesterday and that gives me a tremendous sense of hope for the nation.
But I don't feel any personal relief from the worry clawing at the back of my head about birth control decisions that we must make right now, immediately.

And, god, feeling so silly for the worry. We are in a position to be able to absorb the hit, it is a very inconvenient surprise, but not a financial disaster. For many people, this might be a financial disaster.

For us, for me, it's just a little scratching worry and fear, and the unexpected need to look at all the options. (Of which, we have many.)

mothers and daughters

I got her blue eyes. The only one of eight children to get them. I am also the oldest. Previously I have always had a close relationship with my mother. Not big talkers, either one of us, with personalities leaning toward the spiritual, I was her good child, the one she could lean on, count on when all my other siblings ran got off course and didn't "choosing the right".
Now, with most my other siblings safely in the fold of the church (presumably having 'gotten it all out' in their young and rebellious years) it is my turn to tear her heart out. And to do it so cruelly.
Everything about me now is a rejection of her beliefs and values: her faith, her politics, her lifelong calling as stay-at-home-mother...
You know... I think my losing faith in the church, and swinging left in my politics are hard for her, but not unbearable.
But I think that my only having one child is killing her; proof that I do not think she was a good mother.
"Was there something in the way I was as a mother that makes you not want to be a mom?"
She asked me that today, in the moment as we were saying our goodbyes. I was unprepared for it, didn't know how to respond, we were in the process of going to our cars, going our separate ways... "Was there something in the way I was as a mother..."

My choices becomes her proof that she was lacking as a mother.
I'll have to write more about this later. Not now.

"are you gay?"

I wasn't sure what to expect when I posted this at my family blog. That it would raise a few eyebrows, get tactfully ignored, and perhaps ruffle a few feathers and get a tart comment or two. The reason I posted it there, at the family blog (where I have avoided politics) is because I am the ONLY individual in the family circle who thinks homosexuals should have rights of any kind. (Can you see the reason I have avoided politics on the family blog?) But after reading Hera's well-written post about Mormon's who support the right of homosexuals to have marital rights, I though, 'Hey, it's time my family knew that there are active believing Mormons who think homosexuals should have the right to marry.' Because, really, I think they have no clue. They assume that all members would obviously support the fight against same sex marriage. Just like how they were stunned that there were actual 'good' members who weren't going to vote for Mitt Romney. Of course, my waivering belief puts me in the realm of 'not-good Mormon', one who would obviously be deceived by the lies of the devil. But I hoped that the exceptional Mormons for Marriage webpage would give a good showing of faithful members who think the church is wrong in this matter.
Anyways, I just had to post this because I just got an email from my mom. The only thing she wrote is "are you trying to tell us you are gay?" And I think she was serious.
I wrote back: "Yes. And DH is a woman in drag."
I wonder if she'll think that I am serious?